


Sky's Still Blue

by killerqueenxo



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Language, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 14:21:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19230877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerqueenxo/pseuds/killerqueenxo
Summary: After the worst day of your life, Roger and you look toward the future.





	Sky's Still Blue

**Author's Note:**

> This is more from the perspective of Roger and it is written, in some ways, like a stream of consciousness. This fic does discuss miscarriage, not in great detail, but is mentioned so there is a trigger warning in place for that. If you are unable to read, I respect that!! Please please take care of yourself first!!
> 
> This work can also be read via my Tumblr, @killer-queen-xo

_Something’s wrong_.

She had woken with a gasp and what she normally thought was a rough kick turned into a sharp and searing pain that left her breathless. She turned over then, reaching for him, digging her nails into the skin of his arm as another intense pang shot through her stomach.

“Ro- Roger, wake up,” she said, words coming out ragged. “Something’s wrong.”

He drove. He tried to remain calm. This was normal, it had to be normal. On the outside, he was giving her small smiles and squeezing her hand to let her know he was there but on the inside, he was spiraling, screaming… dying.

They took her from him then. As soon as they arrived. Clear instructions to wait _right here_ were given to him as they took her away. To examine her, they said, to make sure everything was okay.

Everything would be okay. They had done everything right so far. _Hadn’t they?_

They said it would only be a few moments but it had been hours. He sat in the same hard plastic chair the entire time. Unflinching, unmoving. He ran his fingers through his tousled blonde hair, rubbed his tired eyes, but he didn’t leave. He couldn’t.

The doctor did come back, in time. Told him that he could see her now but delivered no good news or bad news, only lead him to where she was. She was sitting up in bed, eyes trained on her fingers as she picked at the skin of her cuticles. Her eyes were rimmed red and she sniffled every so often. When he opened the door, her eyes shot up to meet his and then her lip was quivering and a harsh sob escaped her lips as the tears spilled over. And then he knew. She didn’t have to say it and the doctors didn’t need to tell him. He knew.

He flew to her side and wrapped her in his arms. He brushed her hair from her face and pressed soft kisses to the top of her head. She clutched at his shirt, his arms, anywhere she could grab as the sobs wracked her body. He didn’t cry. He held her and rocked her gently. And the world carried on around them.

==========

It was hard but, then again, it never really becomes any easier. The loss of a child. A child they never got to know, to hold, to watch grow. It was more difficult in the beginning, if Roger had to make a guess. For the first few days, she would wake with a smile on her face and her hands would instinctively gravitate to her stomach before she remembered. The smile would slip from her face faster than he could process and she would curl in on herself and sobs would emit from her body once more. On those days, she couldn’t get out of bed.

In the weeks that followed, she would alternate between crying and lashing out in anger. The only time she was truly at peace was when she was asleep but even then, that was short lived as she would often wake from a dream, or maybe it was a nightmare; she never said and Roger never asked. But, when she would wake, she’d clutch her stomach and it was as if she was remembering all over again. In time, Roger figured it must have been a dream that morphed into a living nightmare as soon as she opened her eyes. He felt helpless. He felt useless. He felt that he was slowly losing her.

As weeks turned to months, she became more sullen and she would only speak if absolutely necessary. Their home was filled with an eerie silence that he could never escape. The only moments he was able to fully feel _alive_ again was when he was with Queen but even then, he felt guilty for leaving her and he would cut rehearsals and recordings short to rush back home and sit in silence with her. He would apologize, again and again, but the boys would wave him off, tell him to go home. _Come back when you’re ready, we’ll still be here_.

Today, though, today was different. But not the good kind of different. The good kind of different didn’t exist in their little world anymore, not since the miscarriage. As soon as he woke up and found that she wasn’t laying next to him, he knew today was _definitely_ different. Fear ripped through his body and he flung the covers off and bounded out of the bedroom and into the living room where he was hoping he would find her and thankfully, he did. She was curled up on the couch fast asleep, a blanket pulled up to her chin. His brows furrowed in confusion. _How long has she been out here?_

He knelt down on the floor in front of her and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. His touch stirred her awake and when she opened her eyes, his stomach dropped as this was a look he would never get used to. A look he never _wanted_ to get used to.

Once upon a time, early in their relationship when everything was blissful and happy and there was no pain or anger, her eyes would be filled with adoration and a spark of playfulness that would often battle his own. He never thought perfection existed until he met her. He also never thought he was deserving of someone as loving as she was but she loved him through anything and everything. _Soulmates_ , Freddie had called it. Roger used to not believe in all of that but maybe, just maybe, Freddie was on to something.

There was no adoration in her eyes now. No spark. Her eyes were cold and empty and tucked away behind her irises, was that _disdain_? She flinched away from his touch and sat up quickly, moving to the other end of the couch. Away from him. Away from _them_.

Roger blinked rapidly a few times, palms pressing down into the smooth leather of the couch. “How long have you been out here?”

“All night,” she says. “I came out here shortly after you fell asleep.”

He scoffs, shooting to his feet. Pacing the small span of their living room, he feels her eyes on him. Her stare is burning into his skin and it’s like an itch he can’t scratch. He stops suddenly, turning to her, taking her in. His eyes flit over every expanse of her body and he notices, for the first time, she’s lost weight. A lot of weight. She looks hollow, empty, _fragile_.

“Why?” He asks.

“You tried to hold me.”

Roger blinks slowly. _You tried to hold me_. He didn’t think those five words strung together in such a way would ever hurt him and yet, it was like she picked up the stainless steel butcher knife in the kitchen and stabbed him right through the heart with it. He lets out a shaky breath and runs his fingers through his disheveled hair.

“You left our bed, you left _me_ , because I tried to hold you?”

“I didn’t want you to.” It was simple. She twists the knife a little bit deeper.

“I’ve noticed.”

Her eyes harden at his words, like ice. “What does that mean?”

“Come on, sweetheart,” he says, dropping his arms in exasperation. “I can’t think of the last time you let me touch you. I’m sure you can’t either.”

“The last thing on my mind right now is _that_ ,” she seethes.

“I’m not talking about that!” He shouts and she flinches back. “I don’t want that! _Especially_ if you don’t! I’m talking about the fact that I can’t even hold your hand or kiss you or cuddle with you or, _fuck_ , I can’t even tell you ‘I love you’ without you flinching away from me. Is it because you don’t love me anymore? What is it?”

“Roger,” she says, a sigh passing through her lips. She sounds bored and the knife pushes a little bit deeper. “Of course I do, it’s just-”

“You’re in pain. I know that, and I’m not expecting you to just _feel better_ , absolutely not. But, sweetheart, this hurts me too. I feel pain too and I-”

“It’s not the same, Roger,” she whispers, shrugging her shoulders. “My pain and your pain? It’s not the same. That baby was a part of me, he or she _lived_ inside of me and I _failed_.”

He nods, pressing his lips into a thin line. “You’re right, it’s not the same. I will _never_ fully grasp how you feel and yeah, that baby was a part of you, you were their home. I get that but _that_ baby, _our_ baby, was mine too and when you don’t look at me or touch me or _talk_ to me, it’s like you’re blaming me, as if _I_ -”

 _As if I killed our baby_. The unspoken words settle around them and it’s like a vice twisting in the air, wrapping itself so tightly around them that neither can breathe.

“I’m going to go to Brian’s,” he says after a moment. “Spend the day there, maybe the night too. Give you some space, some time.”

He nods again, convinced this is the right thing to do. _It’s what she needs_. His eyes move up to her face again and he stills. Tears are streaming down her face and when she finally meets his gaze, a choked sob pushes through her. She wraps her arms around her body, clutching her hand to her chest and his heart breaks just a little bit more.

“Hey. Shh, shh, shh. None of that,” he says, walking over to her and kneeling down in front of her again. “It’s just for the night. I’m coming back, baby.”

“You’re leaving me,” she cries. “This is how it starts. I can’t give you a baby and we’re falling apart at the seams and now you’re gonna leave me! Leave me and find you someone who _can_ give you a baby!”

Her sobs are loud and she’s shaking under his touch and the more he wipes her tears, the faster new ones appear.

“Hey, no. Sweetheart, no,” he says, wiping yet another tear away. “I’m not leaving you. I’m _never_ leaving you. That’s not… I don’t _want_ to leave you.”

“Then don’t,” she says and suddenly, she’s more desperate than he’s seen her in a long time. Her tears have subsided and she’s clutching his shirt and caressing his cheek and _fuck_ , this is all he’s wanted in _so_ long.

He leans into her touch and for the first time in months, he feels her press a kiss to his lips. It’s soft at first but it deepens, lingers until her tongue is swiping across his bottom lip begging for entry and he wants to, he wants to _so badly_ but no… not like this.

“Stop,” he mumbles, pulling away and keeping her at arms length. “I don’t want you to do any of this as a way to keep me here. I want you to do this because you _want_ to, sweetheart.”

She sighs, loosening her grip on him. She moves a fallen strand of hair out of his eyes and he leans into her touch again, letting his eyes gently fall shut.

“I failed,” she says after a moment. “That’s how I feel. I feel like I failed our baby and myself and _you_. I feel like you’ll stop loving me because I couldn’t do this _one thing_. I was our baby’s first home and I failed. That’s how I feel. How do you feel?”

“Lost,” he murmurs, gazing up into her eyes. “I feel like I’ve been drowning since the hospital and every time I feel like I’m going to _finally_ break the surface, it slips away. I feel like I don’t know how to be there for you. You feel like a failure to our baby… I feel like a failure to you.”

A tear slips down her cheek and she cups his face in her hands, placing another soft kiss to his lips. The kiss is simple and gentle and for the first time since this wretched _curse_ fell upon them, Roger cries. The tears slip from his eyes hard and fast and his body shakes as loud sobs tumble from his lips and she’s pulling him to her. He wraps his arms around her waist and buries his head in her stomach and she’s rubbing his back and nestling her head on top of his, comforting him the same way he did for her all of those months ago.

==========

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m home. Can you come in here for a second?”

Roger stuck to his original plan. He went to Brian’s and then they both went to Freddie’s where they were joined by John. Roger promised her he’d be back and she let him go but not before she gave him another long and lingering kiss to remind him that she did, in fact, still love him. They had smiled at each other for the first time in months and when she finally closed the door and locked it, neither felt that this was the end but more like a new beginning.

When she slinks out of the bedroom and finds Roger in the living room waiting for her, she lets out a yelp of surprise when she’s met at the doorway by a tiny chocolate Labrador puppy sniffing at her sock clad feet. She flicks her eyes from the puppy to Roger and back down before she’s leaning down to gently pick up the puppy and cradle it to her chest.

“What is this?” She whispers as she strokes the soft fur.

“ _This_ is for you,” he says walking over to stand next to her, giving the puppy a soft scratch behind the ear. “I’ve been reading and, um, I read that women who have miscarried sometimes do a little bit better or even _feel_ a little bit better when taking care of a small animal. It’s almost like-”

“Almost like taking care of a child,” she finishes for him.

“Exactly and, you know, I was at Fred’s last night surrounded by all of his furry children and I thought, ‘why not’?”

She gazes down at the puppy in soft adoration as she traces her fingers through the soft fur. The puppy squirms in her arms before pressing its tiny paws into her chest and licking her nose. A bubble of laughter erupts from her and it brings an instantaneous smile to Roger’s lips. The sound was like _heaven_ to him. Oh, how he had missed her laugh.

“I was gonna wait,” he mumbles. “Wait and talk with you first but I was on my way home and, if you can believe it, this little, uh, family was giving away puppies.”

“Giving away?” She says, mock horror in her voice. “Who would want to give away something so precious?”

“Their dog had an entire litter. I wish I was kidding but there really were _so many_ ,” he laughs. “They said they would have loved to keep all of them but they couldn’t so they were hoping by offering them up for free, they could find them some loving homes.”

“I see. Well, looks like this one found a loving home.” She presses a soft kiss to the top of the puppy’s head.

“Their, uh, their little girl also named every single puppy so she insisted I tell you what this one’s name is,” he says, wrapping an arm around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder.

“What’s the name?”

“Brownie.”

She giggles. “Well, of course, we _have_ to keep that name. It’s too cute!”

He wraps his arms around her a little tighter and she leans into his touch, turning her head slightly to press a kiss to his cheek. She has Brownie cradled in her arms again and for the first time in a long time, everything feels okay.

“Thank you,” she whispers. “For everything. Even if I wasn’t the easiest to live with all of these months.”

“Shh, none of that,” he says, kissing her lips softly. “Everything you went through and are still going through is perfectly normal but I’m here, every step of the way.”

“Do you think we could try again?” She asks after a moment. “Not now but someday?”

He gazes into her eyes as a soft smile adorns his features. “I think I’d like that. Whenever you’re ready. We have forever.”


End file.
